Do the Bartman

I love the mob rule mentality in the stands. I suppose I should rephrase that: I don't love it, but I'm completely fascinated by it from a sociological perspective. What makes your company's computer guy (not me) scream obscenities (maybe me) at the asshat wearing Cubs gear (definitely not me) in the U.S. Cellular outfield? Is there a hypnotic pattern in the Jumbotron that commands you to kiss the person next to you or flash your tits (these are the only two choices, sorry) when the camera squares on you for approximately 10 seconds of fame? Ever seen someone leap onto the field during the game and get flying tackled by a half-dozen clearly out-of-shape security guards? Don't even front like it's not fucking awesome.

And then there's the whole ball-chaser archetype. This person is always male, always gets portrayed as an overgrown man-child (because only true villains or mental midgets would want to deny a child a chance at catching a ball) and is always overweight. If you see this infantile fat man lunging for a fly ball at a baseball game within a 10 foot radius of a small child, mob rule commands you to hate him like you've never hated anyone outside of Daryl Strawberry. This may seem like a crass generalization, but this is how Baron von Ball Thief always gets portrayed in the media; here's an excerpt from the AP news wire account of Sunday's Cardinals-Rangers game:

In the ensuing scramble, a husky man jumped over a row of seats and pinned a 4-year-old boy against the seats with his legs while diving to get the ball. To no avail, fans started chanting "Give him the ball! Give him the ball!"

What happens next, of course, is that someone always comes forward to testify that the overeager fan is really not such a bad quy. Usually, it's an elderly relative or an upstanding member of the community. The man in the harsh glare of the spotlight is Matt Starr, a 28 year old landscaper who has (sensibly) refused comment -- but his pastor is right there on the frontlines reminding everyone that he's "not the bad guy he's been made out to be." The video of the catch ain't pretty, but you have to feel sorry for the poor dipshit who won't be able to risk the embarrassment of attending another game this season. It's not like he attacked a first base coach or anything. And the young boy's family should be thanking him -- that 4 year old kid walked away with two game-used bats, a signed Nolan Ryan baseball, free tickets and enough gear to equip a Dominican youth team. Starr would've received something pretty cool, too -- a t-shirt that Cards reliever Steve Kline personalized with the epithets "Tough Guy" and "Ball Stealer" -- if he hadn't been escorted out of the stands two innings earlier. No shame, man, no shame. I'd bid on that shirt on E-Bay.