The Ken Griffey, Jr. Timeline

2/6/05: Kicked in groin by enraged fantasy baseball team owner who fell out of the money during the 2004 season resulting in minor bruising and loss of dignity.

3/1/05: Strains right hamstring in charity kickball event, misses all of spring training.

3/6/05: Allergic reaction to cortisone shot.

6/1/05: Chafes skin from overly starched uniform in first game back.

7/15/05: Tears right hamstring once again after All-Star break, out for season.

9/27/05: Hamstring replaced in world's first human hamstring transplant.

12/24/05: Gets food poisoning from fruitcake that Davy Concepcion gave to father on Christmas Day, 1975.

6/1/06: Long-rumored trade for Phil Nevin is completed during Cincinnati-San Diego match. Both players lost for season after game after simultaneously tearing rotator cuffs by giving each other a hi-five on the walk to the other dugout.

9/7/06: Accidentally sits on piping hot churro while watching NLCS from stands, sears left thigh

1/15/07: Takes son to offseason vacation at Disneyland. Enters Hall of Presidents and is actually shot with animatronic bullet by Alexander Hamilton statue.

6/1/07: Leads all players in home runs during months of April + May. Excessive praise from the press requires Joe Morgan's lips to be surgically removed from his butthole.

7/8/07: Late-night meal at Jack-in-the-Box requires quarantine for smallpox, ends season.

10/1/07: Begins to feel violent, irrepressible impulses. Sealed records reveal hamstring donor to have been serial murderer convicted to death in 2005.

11/1/07: Team physicians concoct plan to "rebuild him and make him stronger," replace evil hamstring with bionic hamstring.

2/06/08: Gets fitted for orthotics to compensate for limp from bionic hamstring.

4/9/08: Imbalance from orthotics and bionic hamstring aggravate vertigo.

7/1/08: Spirits from Native American burial ground under house angered by poor fantasy league baseball team position, curse him with insomnia.

8/30/08: Finishes season leading league in HBP after getting beaned approximately 117 times after falling asleep at plate.

10/22/08: Officially retires from MLB

7/23/13: Hoists Cooperstown plaque high in the air while exclaiming "Holy shit, I can't believe I held on this long!" during first-ballot Hall of Fame induction, placed on disabled list for entire body sprain.

....welcome back, kid.