A Hill of Beanes, Part II

But, wait...there's more.

Orioles get Jason Grimsley on 6/22

The Orioles need everything. Funny how everyone's advocating that the D-backs and Royals get an early start on next season, but the Os have been mostly immune to the same criticism. They're 16.5 games out of first right now, running neck-and-neck with Toronto for last place in the Al East. But no one really expected the Orioles to contend in the war games between the Yanks and Red Sox. So I'm throwing all of my support to the Devil Rays to stop the madness. As far as Grimsley goes, he's desirable because of his limited experience as a starter (72 starts in 13 seasons) and the Orioles need all the help they can get if BJ Ryan gets dangled as trade bait. The Royals got minor leaguer Denny Bautista in return, who could be good a few years down the line, though he may be tipping his pitches and there's some concern over his awkward delivery.

Beltran to Astros, Dotel to As, prospects to Royals on 6/25

Oakland GM Billy Beane must be involved in any trade involving a Royals outfielder. It's actually in the major league rulebook, and it's a necessary condition for his continued membership in this powerful organization. This time out, though, the Royals OF went to the Astros -- fella by the name of Carlos Beltran, formerly the American League's equivalent of Bobby Abreu. Beane got his man with Octavio Dotel, who got his first win of the season with Oakland after giving up 4 runs. Dotel brings the heat, though, and let's face it: even Billy Koch would be a step up from the failed Arthur Rhodes closer experiment. Royals GM Allan Baird spun Beltran into three prospects: catcher John Buck (from Houston) and Mark Teahen and Mike Wood (from Oakland). Buck has been inserted into the starting line-up since the deal and is apparently strong with the glove. Mike Wood got shelled in 3 major league starts last season, but is ready for another trial after two strong seasons in AAA. And Mark Teahen has advanced pretty quickly since the Moneyball draft; like a lot of Beane's draftees, he's thin on power but gets on base...A LOT.

Freddy Garcia to White Sox on 6/28

Back-to-back lackluster seasons have made Garcia's stock fall considerably -- Eric Neel doesn't even rate him in his top go-to guys. Recent struggles aside, Garcia reminds me a lot of Bartolo Colon, who was 65-69 at the same point in his career and on the verge of a breakout 20-8 season. Opponents are hitting just .236 off him this year -- the second lowest figure of his career -- and he ranks 5th in league ERA. Sox GM Kenny Williams has a history of getting spanked on trades, but he never hesitates to pull the trigger on big deals, and this one's a no-brainer. Seattle doesn't get any younger with this deal, but they managed to unload Ben Davis and net a handful of pretty good prospects in return. Catcher Miguel Olivo turned it on this season and has a rocket for an arm. OF Jeremy Reed is considered to be one of the top prospects in the loaded Sox system, but will probably take some time to develop at the major league level a la Aaron Rowand. I don't know anything about AA SS Michael Morse, but the Ms could use added depth at that position, so it makes sense.

Most traded active major leaguer update: Todd Zeile has also been traded five times in his career, tying him with David Weathers and Brad Ausmus. But Terry Mulholland, currently pitching with the Twins, has been traded 6 times in his career. Is there a topper, anyone?

A Hill of Beanes, Part I

Wherein I attempt to provide an overview of this month's MLB trades in the most cursory and self-indulgent fashion possible. Sue me -- it's the end of the month, and I've got a quota to fill.

Expos deal Peter Bergeron on 6/13

The Expos have given Peter Bergeron a very long leash. The no-hit, no-field CF has had 1100 at-bats (over parts of five seasons) to prove himself and wouldn't have had a job if the rest of MLB baseball cared enough to grant the Expos a permanent home. And now he doesn't. It's hard to see Bergeron advancing beyond AAA with the Brewers; Scott Posednick is entrenched in center field and the Brew Crew have a host of prospects (Richie Weeks, Prince Fielder) making a credible case for a one-way trip to the Big Show. I actually don't even see Bergeron wearing a major league uniform at any point in the future unless he's willing to stand in for the Bratwurst in the Sausage Races. That's harsh, but no, really: his talent lies with his speed on the basepaths, and he's been thrown out 25 times in 55 career attempts, so no volume discount can be applied. Three other prospects changed hands in the deal, including two guys named Jason, none of whom figure in to their respective teams' long-term plans.

Richard Hidalgo to Mets, David Weathers to Astros on 6/17

This is a classic example of two teams exchanging their problems. Weathers was brilliant with Milwaukee, the Cubs and the Mets in a four-season stretch between 2000 and 2003, but he's been a sub-average innings eater in his other 10 seasons. Middle relief help is always at a premium mid-season, but the Astros didn't really need it with Brad Lidge motoring along and Dan Miceli enjoying a career year -- and not when other, superior arms are reportedly available. Plus, the guy's set to make $4 million this season. Which is not as bloated as Hidalgo $12.5 million contract. A lot of money changed hands in this deal, too, but the Mets bumped their payroll up by at least $4 million this season (plus another $2 million for a buy-out). The idea that has been floated around recently that Hidalgo's a decent gamble for the Mets is, frankly, laughable: he's hitting .260 in 9 games in his new uniform, with 4 multi-hit games and 4 games where he couldn't get on base at all. Watch that average dance back and forth between .250 and .260 for the rest of the season. Hidalgo finished strong last season, but he really hasn't been the same player since his 2000 campaign.

Marlins acquire Billy Koch on 6/17

Billy Koch was the worst reliever in baseball not named Jose Mesa or Mike Williams last year. He is the worst reliever in baseball not named Arthur Rhodes this year, and has been making a credible case to overtake Rhodes in the futility department. A lack of innings and opportunities with the Marlins may hamper this quest, though he's still a wonderful candidate for a pick-up in CNN/SI reporter James Quintong's reverse fantasy league. By the way, he has choked in 4 of his last 5 appearances with the Fish; the team could've waited to pick C.J. Nitkowski off the waiver wire or dealt for Jason Grimsley just a few days later. The White Sox sent $2 million along to cover costs, and basically bought AAA SS Wilson Valdez, who's a little old but has great tools.

Yanks dump Gabe White on Reds on 6/18

I love this. This reminds me of the Red Sox and Pirates swapping Anastacio Martinez for Mike Gonzalez and back again last year, which is basically what this deal amounts to since the Yankees traded White to the Reds for minor-leaguer Charlie Manning, reversing the same trade from last season. What, Brad Ausmus wasn't available? Like Ausmus, White has been traded five times in his career -- I think the two are tied for the top spot on the most-traded list among active major leaguers. Neither have a shot of breaking the mark set by pitcher Bobo Newsom, though: he was traded 16 times in 20 seasons between 1929-1953. Pretty decent pitcher, too. Gabe White, on the other hand, is a lefty -- he doesn't need to be.

What the Butler Saw

Interesting piece in the July/August issue of Mother Jones magazine: a list of ambassadorships George W. Bush has granted to his biggest financial supporters since he assumed the presidentiary. 5 of the 19 new ambassadors have baseball ownership connections, including 3 with Bush's home state Texas Rangers: George Argyos (former Mariners owner, ambassador to Spain); Mercer Reynolds III (part of the ownership group for the Rangers and Cardinals, ambassador to Switzerland); Stephen Brauser (co-owner of the Cardinals, ambassador to Belgium); Jeffrey Marcus (Rangers co-owner, lasted just 4 days as ambassador to Belgium); Craig Stapleton (former Rangers co-owner, ambassador to Czech Republic).

Argyos got the best return on his $123,000 investment -- he's still serving in Spain. Reynolds, Brauser and Marcus spent in excess of $275,000 to get their cushy positions in Europe and are back to baseball. And Stapleton grabbed his two-year appointment for only $60,500, though he's married to Dubya's cousin Dorothy. Mother Jones writer Benjamin Leslie also points out that none of the five were fluent in their country's native tongues. Why bother flushing $50,000 down the toilet with a graduate degree in public policy, sweating out the foreign service exam and busting your hump to achieve competency in one or more foreign languages? Even with a distinguished service record, you'll still find yourself building transistor radios out of coconuts somewhere in Bumfuckistan. Just buy an ownership share in a baseball team and pucker up. Who knew it was that easy?

Top of the 8th

Things were not looking good for my first White Sox game of the season. A loss was inevitable. Unofficial Cubs mascot/ drum-banging superfan Ronnie "Woo Woo" Wickers almost ran over me with his bicycle as I was crossing the street the evening before. I knew it was him, too, because the guy wears his specially-tailored Cubs outfit (it even says "Woo Woo" on the back in block lettering) everywhere. He probably sleeps in it. And with the Cubs-Sox crosstown series coming up in a few days, tensions are running high enough in the city that I took it as a warning shot from the Wrigleyville Lush Mafia: watch your back, bra. We don't like your kind.

Still, even with the hit out, I wasn't going to stay in hiding for the rest of the summer like a Windy City Salman Rushide. I needed to get my game on with some of those lower deck reserved outfield seats I love so much, where the fashion of choice among the fashion-conscious is a t-shirt with the word "Chokes" in place of the Cubs logo. I must've seen at least 20 people rocking these tees, along with another half-dozen wearing last year's Cub-baiting model -- where the Cubs logo has been replaced with "Cork." Despite this, I witnessed no overt hostility towards the few souls brave enough to wear actual Cubs gear in the stands. Maybe Sox fans have more Clintonian empathy: we both root for slumping teams, and we feel your pain. Or maybe the Wrigleyville Lush Mafia has sent its undercover spies to infiltrate the White Sox Nation and destroy it from within. I saw something I've never witnessed in 10 years of Sox games: a fan tossing the opposing team's home run ball back on to the field. It's such a chump move -- no wonder they invented it at Wrigley Field.

The game itself featured seven -- count 'em, seven -- jacks, including two Paul Konerko solo blasts and a sweet Ronnie Belliard shot to left field. Of course, the pitching sucked moose tit, and I was so looking forward to getting a chance to see newly-appointed closer Shingo "Mr. Zero" Takatsu baffle hitters. Instead, Mark Buehrle pitched seven maddeningly inconsistent innings: he got lit up for five earned runs, but somehow made it to the 8th with something like 65 pitches. Buehrle is a huge tease: sometimes he looks absolutely dominating (like when he woke up in the 7th inning and retired the Cleveland batting order 1-2-3) and sometimes you can't even trust him to get out of the inning (like in the 6th, when he gave up a pair of home runs and became preoccupied with Jody Gerut's attempts to steal a base).

Sox manager Ozzie Guillen brought Buehrle back for the 8th after a rally in the bottom of the 7th knocked Indians starter Cliff Lee out of the game and pulled the Sox within one run of tying the game. Classic case of devil you know being preferable to devil you don't, but Guillen should have taken him out. Still, Buehrle took the mound and served up a line drive single to Indians catcher Victor Martinez. Give him the hook, Ozzie! Next up: 3rd baseman Casey Blake. Line drive single to exactly the same spot in center. Give him the hook, Ozzie! Travis Hafner comes up to the plate next and makes Buehrle pay for a weak fastball, loading the bases. Give him the hook, Ozzie! Guillen comes out to the pitchers mound to stall for awhile and the bullpen gates swing open. Finally! But it's Mike Jackson, owner of a belly-itching 5.00+ era. Dear god, noooooooooo!

The rest of the story was written when Ronnie Woo Woo tried to leave his track marks on my face. Indians manager Eric Wedge counters the move by pinch-hitting Ben Broussard for fan-favorite Lou Merloni and...Broussard takes Jackson's very first pitch deep for a grand slam. Awful. Game over, man, game over.

Rocky Mountain Low

I've been thinking for awhile that I really ought to change this blog's subhead from "I've got mad hits like I was Rod Carew" to "I've got no hits like I was Kit Pellow." But then Pellow got sent back down the minors as Larry Walker was activated from the DL, and like the rest of the Rockies' farm system, he's got no game. What's up with Colorado's pitiful record in producing position players, anyway? Everyone writes about how tough it is to find the right arms to pitch in that thin air and talks about how great Jeff Francis and Chin Hui-Tsao (who Baseball America named the team's top prospect in 3 of the past 4 years -- suspect) are gonna be, but they've only produced 5 position players in 11 drafts that are in a starting line-up in 2004. In no particular order (but with their current teams in parentheses):

Todd Helton, Neifi Perez(SF), Juan Pierre(FLA), Craig Counsell(MIL), Juan Uribe(CWS)

There's also Quinton McCracken and spare parts like Jason Bates, Trenidad Hubbard, Angel Echevarria et al. And you could argue that Colorado played a formative role in Eric Young's career, though his rookie season was with the Dodgers and he never spent any time in Colorado's farm system. It's besides the point, when you take a look at what the Florida Marlins' scouting department came up with in the same number of drafts:

Charles Johnson(COL), Edgar Reinteria(STL), Luis Castillo, Mark Kotsay(OAK), Alex Gonzalez, Kevin Millar(BOS), Mike Redmond, Randy Winn(SEA), Miguel Cabrera

Wow. I may even be missing a couple. Note that this list includes a couple of players who went undrafted and were signed first by the Marlins. Oh, and that's not even counting two of the biggest names: Derrek Lee (Cubs) and Mike Lowell, both highly-touted prospects who broke out with the Marlins. Hmm...so let's take a look at the two newer expansion teams, both of whom have had 7 drafts to make a mark. Arizona Diamondbacks first:

Travis Lee(NYY), Erubiel Durazo(OAK), Junior Spivey(MIL), Lyle Overbay(MIL), Alex Cintron, Rod Barajas(TEX)

Although he started last year, Matt Kata's not on this list because he's not starting now. And Scott Hairston's not here because I'm only considering players who made a major league debut before 2004. As far as Travis Lee goes, he's a funny case because he actually got drafted by another team and got out of his contract with a loophole that hasn't been exploited since -- BUT he started out in the AZ minors, so he's on the list. I never said this was scientific, it's just an excuse to make fun of the Rockies. Anyway, how about those Devil Rays?

Aubrey Huff, Toby Hall, Damian Rolls, Carl Crawford, Rocco Baldelli

Tampa Bay's ownership has had notoriously deep pockets when it comes to the draft/amateur signings thusfar, including throwing wads of $$$ at Matt White (last seen working at Wal Mart, according to Peter Gammons) and Josh Hamilton (struggling with cocaine addiction), two guys who may never wear a Devil Rays uniform. Damian Rolls hasn't had much of an opportunity to showcase his stuff because of injuries this season. But Aubrey Huff, Toby Hall, Carl Crawford and Rocco Baldelli? That's 50% of the offensive starting line-up right there -- and it demonstrates what you can get with great scouting and a fair bit of luck.

I think this article sorta sums up a lot of problems with the Rockies' scouting system. It's overly generous (or rather, expectant) when it comes to folks like Brad Hawpe and Choo Freeman and Matt Holliday (he's looked great this season, though), but the author gets straight to the point when writing "the more comfortable Colorado is with its prospects, the less likely it will trade them before they arrive." I haven't gone back to take a look at scouting director Bill Schmidt's drafts since he took over five years ago, but the article pegs him as a good egg -- and I'm inclined to believe it, since it sounds like he actually has a full-system plan in place.

Take a peek at the team's history in the standings, though. Not good. No one seems to be able to figure out this franchise, and the fans are getting tired of losing teams. Maybe Bill Schmidt's the guy. But if not, I know exactly how to fix things right: move to Northern Virginia.

Dusty Trails, A Blizzard of Oz

Subway is running a month-long promotion in Chicago wherein managers Ozzie Guillen and Dusty Baker (Sox and Cubs, respectively) were asked to design their own sub sandwiches for a contest. The winning manager (with most sandwiches sold by July 4th, 2004) will receive $5000 towards his charity of choice. Baker's sandwich is more my speed: pepperoni, ham, lettuce, tomato, onion and brown mustard. Tasty. But Guillen's Atkins-friendly atomic pile -- roast beef, turkey, bacon, Swiss cheese, onions, green peppers, tomatoes and Ranch dressing -- is just crushing the competition. Ozzie Guillen's unbridled imagination vs. Dusty Baker's icy pragmatism = a battle of epic proportions.

All this was lost on the girlfriend upon seeing the television commercial for the first time, though. Her allergy to baseball ("Will everybody please stop talking about Barry Bonds?") is notorious (at least in this household), and often quite funny as she distills everything to its bluntest essence. Her observation: "'Dusty' is a pretty dumb name. But who actually names their kid 'Ozzie' anyway? What's it short for? Do parents do that to ensure their child has a successful major league career?"

In the case of Ozzie Guillen and Ozzie Smith, sure. Hell, we'll even throw in two-time All-Star Ozzie Virgil Jr. to balance things out. But with everyone else, not so much. There's Ozzie Virgil Sr., who has the distinction of going undrafted to start his career, but later selected in both the Rule V and minor league drafts (and traded as part of a package for Matty Alou). And two modern era mega-scrubs that I forgot about when trying to recall all of the MLB Ozzies: Jose Canseco's brother Ozzie and Ozzie Timmons. Also, two guys I've never heard of: Ozzie Van Brabant (who tossed 28 2/3 innings from 1954-1955 and weathered the Athletics' move from Philly to Kansas City) and Ozzie Osborn (who pitched in 24 games for the '75 White Sox before a similarly-named guy stole his thunder by biting the heads off of live bats).

And as a point of interest, Ozzie Guillen and Ozzie Timmons were teammates on the 2000 Tampa Bay Devil Rays, probably the only time two guys named Ozzie will ever sit on the same bench. As far as the name game goes, the list of Ozzies yields the following proper names: Osbourne (twice), Osvaldo (three), Oswaldo, Danny (Ozzie Osbourn) and Camille (Ozzie Van Brabant). Even with the influx of Latin talent and rapid development on Central America scouting in the last 30 years, we're unlikely to see a dramatic increase of Ozzies in our lifetime.

Unlike Guillen, though, Dusty Baker has the distinction of being the best player with his nickname. And there's even less Dustys than Ozzies. Turn-of-the-century player Dusty Miller leads the pack with 7 seasons where he racked up 421 rbi, 206 steals and a tidy .301 average, (including a remarkable season in 1895 when he piled up 10hr, 112 rbi, 43 stolen bases and a .335 batting average). There's also Dusty Cooke, who played parts of 8 seasons with the Yankees, Red Sox and Reds from 1930-8 with a short stint as Philly's manager a decade later; Dusty Rhodes, an unremarkable Giants OF from 1952-59; and three guys (another Dusty Miller, Dusty Allen and Dusty Watham) with 220 abs between them. At least Dusty Allen's real name was Dusty.

In a historical series, the Ozzies (with their SS-SS double-play combo of Guillen and Smith) would clearly trounce the Dustys (zero pitching, plus several players actually taking the field in knickers). Doesn't even matter that the Dustys have the tastier sandwich; the secret weapon in the Ozzies' arsenal isn't ranch dressing -- it's history.

Alors! C'est super-bon!

Well, Eric Gagne gave up a solo shot to Jason Giambi (the spell checker suggests "gimpy" as an alternative to "Giambi" -- hah!) in the 9th inning of tonight's Dodgers-Yankees game before retiring the rest to nail the contest. One more run or one more man on base and Gagne would've cut the link in his consecutive saves streak. Instead, Gagne held it together for his 18th save of the season and 81st consecutive save (only regular-season games count in the streak, so getting lit up in the 2003 All-Star game doesn't count). Amazing. The season's about 40% over and the guy hasn't blown a save since 2002. Barring a late season upswing in opportunities, Gagne will probably fail to rack up 50 saves for a third consecutive season, but the guy has the best stuff of any closer I've seen by a wide margin. His fastball is almost as unhittable as Billy Wagner (though Philly fans have lately taken to booing him when his fastball tops out at 98mph) and he mixes in a slick change-up and a better-than-average curveball, to boot. Throw in that Cy Young and his distinction as the fastest pitcher to record 100 saves in MLB history, and we're witnessing the makings of a Hall of Fame career.

Or are we? Baseball Reference doesn't shed much light on Gagne's potential, yet because the comparison points are almost non-existent. It's hard to put too much stock in the site's Hall of Fame monitor, which does a great job of evaluating dead locks (Barry Bonds) or players on-the-verge (Sammy Sosa) but not folks like James Howard Thome. There's really no historical perspective for the closer. Eckersley's in the Hall, of course, but he spent half of his career as a starter. And then there's guys like Goose Gossage (shoulda been inducted as a first ballot) and Bruce Sutter (invaluable in redefining the role of the closer, but iffy) and Lee Smith (most saves ever by a mile, but few dominating seasons also make him iffy) knocking at the door.

The standards for the specialist who pitches in (at best) half the games in a season have been set sensibly high, but Gagne's numbers speak well of his talent -- one Cy Young and another top 5 finish, two All-Star appearances, and 1-2 finishes in the saves and games finished leaders boards in 2003 and 2002. Robb Nen, the best analogue in terms of age and make-up, racked up 314 saves by age 32 with the Marlins and Giants...and then his arm fell-off. Nen hasn't pitched since 2002 and may not see any action in 2004; by the time he comes back, he could be a totally different pitcher. Arm injuries seriously derailed Matt Mantei's career, too, and it's the one thing (knock on wood) that could hamper Gagne's chances. Gagne is way better than either of those guys, though -- his last two seasons were more dominating than any of Nen's best (1996; 1998; 2000). If Gagne can make it to 400 saves (an average of about 35/season through age 35 -- not unreasonable at all) with a few more high Cy Young voting finishes, a few more high appearances towards the top of the saves leaders board and a lengthening of that already exciting consecutive save streak, he's a mortal lock. Hall of Fame voters won't be able to deny his (comparatively) brief, brilliant career.

Starr struck

Man, this Matt Starr thing refuses to die. Starr -- or someone purporting to be him -- called in to Mancow's Morning Madhouse (which I will sheepishly admit to listening to on the hellish drives to work whenever the NPR monotone threatens my road safety) this morning for the FM radio equivalent of a hair shirt. And the callers were, to put it bluntly, merciless, watering down the notions of "good" and "evil" in a way that would make Joe Morgan green with envy. Except one guy playing devil's advocate (for shits-n-grins) who brought up the valid point of how commonplace this is in major league sports. So if we're going to go there, I think it's not too far-fetched to suggest that professional sports promotes this culture of collectibility by building up the mystique of the superstar athlete. People act like assholes because professional baseball players, by and large, act like assholes. People scramble for memorabilia because Mark Prior leaves a line of autograph-seekers high-and-dry at a scheduled signing appearance. One of the coolest things I've ever seen as a fan was the entire Pittsburgh Pirates major league squad come out for a free signing in Point State Park in 1997, the year the payroll barely scratched $9 million (less than what Albert Belle made that year alone). Still display that ball proudly on my mantle.

More of that and lower ticket prices and a more fan-friendly atmosphere would amount to a swift reduction of what Gobo has described as "royal buttmunchitude" as Matt Starr gets punk'd in a hilarious post. Still, I feel even worse for that poor bastard now that his nuts have been caught in a vice grip. Do we, as a nation, have nothing better to do than play armchair Torquemada and continue to make the guy so anxious that he can't even leave his house to collect his mail? I read about this total affront to decency and all I can say is that when the ball rockets towards me in the stands, my elbows will be flying faster than Bill Lambeer at a Specials concert. And, having proven that I have nothing better to do by admitting to listening to the lowest common denominator of drive time radio, I'm gonna steal that little kid's Cracker Jacks, too.

With apologies to Judy Blume

Are you there God? It's me, Doug Davis. I'm starting to thrive in Milwaukee. I'm so scared God. I've never been successful anywhere but here. Suppose no one notices me behind that handsome bitch Ben Sheets? Suppose I never get as much recognition as the Italian Sausage? Please help me God. Don't let this season end.

Yes. I'm talking about that Doug Davis, a total washout in Texas and owner of a not-so-special career 4.57 era and 1.55 whip. If you think Kip Wells is hot shit, please direct your attention to Davis. Dude's never gonna win a Sausage Race, but he has put together quite a run since joining the Brew Crew after getting the boot from Toronto at the end of the last season. Davis is still getting the job done, too -- after 8 strong starts at the end of 2003, there was some speculation that his numbers were inflated somewhat by a move to the (slightly) more pitcher-friendly National League. Here's Davis in the Senior Circuit:

2003 8 G / 8 GS / 52.1 IP / 49 H / 18 R / 15 ER / 21 BB / 35 K / 3-2 W-L / 2.58 ERA
2004 15 G/15 GS/ 91.2 IP / 90 H / 40 R / 35 ER / 31 BB / 60 K / 6-5 W-L / 3.44 ERA

Davis has cut down on the walks and hits this season, though his K/9 ratio isn't as good and he's given up a few more long balls -- hence the ERA inflation. Ben Sheets, who awoke from his career-long slumber this season to record 2 of the 10 most dominating games in MLB this season (including his masterful 18 k start and a 9 inning no-decision), is the top dog in Milwaukee. But Davis's numbers as a #2 starter are better than anyone's in half the rotations in baseball. Why, put together the tail end of 2003 with his starts this season and you've got All-Star worthy numbers: 23 starts, 144 innings, 9-7 W-L record and a 3.15 era. Did I mention that 11 of his 15 outings have been quality starts? That's more than Ben Sheets. And that wicked facial hair throws it over the top: it looks like some bored 6 year old defaced a team photo and drew an upside down Brewers logo on his chin. The guy is fo'real.

Do the Bartman

I love the mob rule mentality in the stands. I suppose I should rephrase that: I don't love it, but I'm completely fascinated by it from a sociological perspective. What makes your company's computer guy (not me) scream obscenities (maybe me) at the asshat wearing Cubs gear (definitely not me) in the U.S. Cellular outfield? Is there a hypnotic pattern in the Jumbotron that commands you to kiss the person next to you or flash your tits (these are the only two choices, sorry) when the camera squares on you for approximately 10 seconds of fame? Ever seen someone leap onto the field during the game and get flying tackled by a half-dozen clearly out-of-shape security guards? Don't even front like it's not fucking awesome.

And then there's the whole ball-chaser archetype. This person is always male, always gets portrayed as an overgrown man-child (because only true villains or mental midgets would want to deny a child a chance at catching a ball) and is always overweight. If you see this infantile fat man lunging for a fly ball at a baseball game within a 10 foot radius of a small child, mob rule commands you to hate him like you've never hated anyone outside of Daryl Strawberry. This may seem like a crass generalization, but this is how Baron von Ball Thief always gets portrayed in the media; here's an excerpt from the AP news wire account of Sunday's Cardinals-Rangers game:

In the ensuing scramble, a husky man jumped over a row of seats and pinned a 4-year-old boy against the seats with his legs while diving to get the ball. To no avail, fans started chanting "Give him the ball! Give him the ball!"

What happens next, of course, is that someone always comes forward to testify that the overeager fan is really not such a bad quy. Usually, it's an elderly relative or an upstanding member of the community. The man in the harsh glare of the spotlight is Matt Starr, a 28 year old landscaper who has (sensibly) refused comment -- but his pastor is right there on the frontlines reminding everyone that he's "not the bad guy he's been made out to be." The video of the catch ain't pretty, but you have to feel sorry for the poor dipshit who won't be able to risk the embarrassment of attending another game this season. It's not like he attacked a first base coach or anything. And the young boy's family should be thanking him -- that 4 year old kid walked away with two game-used bats, a signed Nolan Ryan baseball, free tickets and enough gear to equip a Dominican youth team. Starr would've received something pretty cool, too -- a t-shirt that Cards reliever Steve Kline personalized with the epithets "Tough Guy" and "Ball Stealer" -- if he hadn't been escorted out of the stands two innings earlier. No shame, man, no shame. I'd bid on that shirt on E-Bay.

Judas Iscariot Superstar

Big League Chew didn't save me from riding the pine for my high school junior varisty baseball team, though I still have a soft spot for the stuff. And I was surprised to learn recently that Jim Bouton -- whose account of the 1969 season in "Ball Four" made him a persona non grata, baseball's answer to Elia Kazan -- is credited as one of the inventors of the product. Bouton's a really fascinating guy for all sorts of reasons. Apparently, he and pitcher Rob Nelson came up with the idea while teammates on the Class A Portland Mavericks in 1977, designed the packaging and formula together, and pitched it successfully to a candy company in 1980. Too late to save Lenny Dykstra (ever seen those old photos where he looks like he's got a wad of dog shit stuffed into his cheek?) from a lifetime of oral cancer, but enough to give sunflower seeds a run for the money as an alternative opiate.

Oddly enough, the website advertised on current packages -- www.bigleaguechew.com -- hasn't even been registered as a domain. But you can glean a bit of information from Jim Bouton's website, where there's a nifty image of early 80s-era Big League Chew that looks exactly like a package of Red Man Chewing Tobacco. No, really: it even bills itself as "the original tobacco style chewing gum," a tagline which was quickly dropped and replaced with "the ballplayer's bubble gum." How could they get away with that in the Just Say No era? I suspect that Bouton and Nelson didn't even begin to realize the product's potential appeal to the youth market.

By the mid-80s, though, almost all marketing was done directly to kids. You couldn't sit through 10 minutes of cartoons on a Saturday morning without seeing this completely homoerotic commerical, which adheres to the central fallacy of all 1980s advertising: stick this in your mouth and it will turn you into a completely different person! Damn if the jingle wasn't insanely catchy, though. Oh, and props to these enterprising 6th graders for blinding us with science and proving that Big League Chew blows the biggest bubbles. Now how much do I have to stuff in my mouth to turn into Don Mattingly?

No shirt, no shoes

Bob Brenly got a little punch-drunk during yesterday's D'backs-Dodgers game after starter Steve Sparks couldn't record the final out of the 5th inning. Mike Koplove finished it out with a strikeout, while a combination of 5 pitchers worked the last 4 innings. Melvin's 7th inning strategy was especially fun: Brandon Villafuerte (who pitched the whole of the 6th) got the first out, gave up a single to Cesar Izturis, and got yanked. Randy Choate came on for the next 1/3 of an inning and got Shawn Green to ground into a fielder's choice. And then Scott Service trotted out for the final 1/3 and retired Adrian Beltre with a single pitch.

At the bottom of the 7th, the D'Backs were losing 4-2, but brittle reliever Darren Dreifort got lit up for three runs and the inning ended with the D'backs ahead 5-4. Which made Scott Service -- who was out of baseball for three years before last season and hadn't recorded a victory since the 2000 season -- the pitcher of record in the eventual Diamondbacks victory. One pitch, one out, one win -- not a first (Kyle Farnsworth pulled off the same feat last season), but cool all the same. You know what's even cooler? Last year, Orioles reliever BJ Ryan got a win without throwing a single pitch, when Tigers infielder Omar Infante got caught stealing. Nice.

The chase for .406

Spent some time wandering around the Printers Row Book Fair in downtown Chicago this morning, and discovered that Leigh Montville, former Boston Globe columnist and one of my favorite Sports Illustrated writers of all time, was appearing in a lecture hall to discuss his new book Ted Williams: The Biography of an American Hero. Haven't had a chance to pick the book up yet (I'm a paperback kinda guy, and I just got around to reading Moneyball), but one of the things I remembered about Montville as a writer is how excellent he is when it comes to breaking down the barriers professional athletes tend to erect for themselves and approaching his subjects in very human (and humane) terms.

Montville's talk and subsequent Q&A session were pretty illuminating. Despite having one of the worst 1970s era porn star mustaches this side of Jayson Stark, Montville comes off as a pretty regular fella -- he opened by joking about being obsessed with his own Amazon sales rank and detailing some of the critiques he's received of the book (mostly dealing with how he has chosen to order and present some of its facts and information). But his research seems exhaustive: Montville came to know Williams in the 1970s, when he was working as a hitting instructor for the Red Sox, and supplemented his brief interviews with the subject by interviewing all of his wives and a number of his ex-teammates.

Also, Montville's summary of his own book made me realize that I know nothing about Ted Williams, which is consistent with the book's observation that Williams didn't have a chance to shape a lasting public persona in the era before television. Some eye-opening factoids that interested me:

* Williams' mother was Mexican. Williams made no pains to hide or promote his ethnic identity, and it generally wasn't discussed.

* Williams had serious anger management issues. His third wife seems to think he would've been an excellent candidate for Prozac. Montville suggests that personal anger was the single most determining factor in Williams' success as a player.

* Williams served in the armed forces in WWII and, later, the Korean War. I knew this, but what I didn't know was that a) Williams sought a deferment during WWII and was rejected and b) served most of his time stateside as a flight instructor, only briefly reporting to Pearl Harbor after the bomb was dropped in Nagasaki. A point of interest considering how differently this has come to be portrayed in hindsight.

Montville didn't comment much on the huge legal struggle that ensured after Williams death, when his estranged son John Henry opted to have his body cryogenically frozen at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation at a cost of $120,000. It supplies the ugly coda for Montville's book, though the story is far from over: John Henry Williams died earlier this year and his body was committed to the same storage facility, where bodies of the deceased are placed in multi-person units and frozen at 328 degrees below zero. Williams' daughter Bobby Jo Ferrell lost her first appeal to have Williams' body removed from the facility, and if you read this interview with Williams' close friend Buzz Hamon, it's easy to see why she's dead set on fulfilling her father's reported wish for cremation. Mike Piazza recently pledged support of the case, and backed off quickly for fear of a lawsuit, though the additional publicity couldn't have hurt the cause. At this point, the greatest pure hitter in baseball is hanging upside down in a tank, naked, in a strip mall around the corner from a Ponderosa. Sorry, it just can't get any worse than that.

Four on the floor

The great Colorado four-man rotation experiement ended in mid-May with a dull thud -- not enough empirical evidence could be amassesd to judge whether it was a success or a failure. Clint Hurdle talked some smack about limiting innings pitched and pitch counts and getting the most out of his starters and using his relief corps to better effect, but when all was said and done, the Rockies' four-man lasted about 10 days. Shawn Estes didn't even get an opportunity to pitch on "short" rest; mostly, it was confusing, akin to Cincinnati and Toronto's brief flirtations with the four-man last year.

Everybody thinks this a champion idea, mind you. Rany Jazayerli of Baseball Prospectus took a pretty nuanced approach and discovered that it was a nonsensical idea in Colorado, but wrote a three-part series of articles (scroll down to the third paragraph of the article in the previous link, and view his thoughts on the matter) on why it's an exciting notion to entertain overall. Redbird Nation (give this guy a Pulitzer or a Ford Frick Award or a Bloggie or something, seriously) did a really great job of summarizing and analyzing Jazayerli's findings as it might pertain to the Cardinals' rotation this year, basically breaking down the argument to show that the five-man rotation doesn't keep starters any healthier and that there's enough data to suggest that pitchers have better command on three day's rest than four.

My thoughts on PAP and PAP^3 notwithstanding, Jazayerli has taken Craig Wright's assumptions and crafted a really convincing case here. I mean, what's not to like? At this point, MLB teams are saying all the right things when the topic turns to reinstating the four-man rotation, but balking when it comes to walking the walk for practical/ logistical reasons or the purpose of satisfying fragile egos. The weight of the five-man rotation culture is proving a little more difficult to lift than previously expected.

Speaking of, the White Sox had the four-man rotation going in early May for about...four days. Most of us here in Chi-town didn't even notice. But Ozzie Guillen is flirting publicly with the idea of bringing it back for a longer trial run, and looking at the stats for everyone who's started for the pride of the South Side this season, it's easy to see why:

E. Loaiza 11 G / 11 GS / 6-3 W-L / 78.2 IP / 110.5 P/GS / 1.23 WHIP / 3.78 ERA
M. Buehrle 11 G / 11 GS / 5-1 W-L / 76.1 IP / 105.0 P/GS / 1.35 WHIP / 3.30 ERA
Schoeneweis 10 G / 10 GS / 5-2 W-L / 64.1 IP / 104.7 P/GS / 1.37 WHIP / 3.64 ERA
Jon Garland 10 G / 10 GS / 4-2 W-L / 68.2 IP / 105.9 P/GS / 1.38 WHIP / 3.93 ERA

Dan Wright 4 G / 4 GS / 0-4 W-L / 17.2 IP / 88.0 P/GS / 1.98 WHIP / 8.15 ERA
Felix Diaz 2 G / 2 GS / 0-1 W-L / 8.2 IP / 85.5 P/GS / 2.19 WHIP / 11.42 ERA
Jon Rauch 1 G / 1 GS / 0-1 W-L / 3.2 IP / 64.0 P/GS / 3.00 WHIP / 12.27 ERA
Neal Cotts 15 G /1 GS / 0-3 W-L / 19.1 IP / 54.0 P/GS / 1.40 WHIP / 4.66 ERA

Top four speak for themselves. Buehrle's having a great season, Garland had a terrific May, and all four have ERAs under the league average. Everyone in the fifth slot = terrible. Dan Wright's back in AAA after getting battered in 4 starts, while Felix Diaz and Jon Rauch got smoked in limited duty. Now reliever Neal Cotts is the latest to get thrown into the fray. Think he'll be any better? Well, White Sox fifth starters are 0-8 in 2004, and -- as reported by Peter Gammons -- the Sox haven't had a win from a fifth starter since 2002. Ouch.

Across town, the Cubs have a great fifth starter -- fella goes by the name of Greg Maddux. Every other team in MLB is not so blessed. Jazayerli and Rob Neyer and every blog author in the whole damn universe seems to think that the best way to dust off the four-man rotation might be to use a control group of some shitty baseball team. I say the Sox are in perfect position to implement it -- they're obviously getting nothing from the #5 spot (actually, worse than nothing -- a guaranteed loss) and they've got a winning team with momentum (the loss of Magglio smarts, though). Going four-man for the rest of the season would give Loaiza and Buehrle 6 more starts and Schoeneweis and Garland 5 more starts, maybe 30-40 extra innings for each. I believe that the projection I saw for Loaiza had him topping the list with 250 innings on the season, assuming no trips to the DL. Plus, Guillen seems to be regulating their pitch counts. That's not bad. The kids, as the marketing campaign from a few years back should remind us, can play.