Small Wonder


Earlier this week, Sony spokeswoman Shoko Yanagisawa brought a 2 foot tall robot named QRIO to RFK Stadium to throw out the first pitch. The Nationals dropped the game to the Mets, but QRIO made a distinct impression with a clean fastball straight to the catcher's mitt. QRIO knows how to dance and has a vocabulary of 65,000 Japanese words. He also knows how to talk smack. Here's a portion of an interview I was able to conduct before the game through a Japanese translator:

Hey, great arm -- President Bush couldn't even land it over the plate.
HA HA. BZZAP! LAURA'S WIFE CAN EAT A BAG OF DICKS.

If the opposing pitcher was beaning your teammates, how would you respond?
I WOULD REPLACE JOSE GUILLEN'S RITALIN WITH NO-DOZ AND WATCH HIM RIP THE PANELS OFF THE CENTER FIELD WALL AND TURN HIM INTO A HUMAN TWINKIE.

What's wrong with Cristian Guzman anyway?
BZZAP! I FEEL BAD FOR MY HOMIE. IT ISN'T EASY BEING THE WORST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF BASEBALL. ACTUALLY, IT IS EASY -- WHICH IS THE PROBLEM. DUDE NEEDS TO QUIT AND JOIN A PROFESSIONAL T-BALL LEAGUE.

What's your favorite part of the new (old) stadium experience?
ALEXANDER HAMILTON HAS SKILLZ. HE CAN DRIVE HIS CAR AND STOP AT AN ATM TO COUNT HIS MONEY AND STILL WIN THE RACE. WHEN MY AGENT SCOTT BORAS GETS ME OUT OF MY CONTRACT WITH SONY, I'LL BE GETTING MAD LOOT, HA HA HA.

Wait-you've retained Scott Boras as your agent?
GEORGE STEINBRENNER WILL PAY FOR ANYTHING. LOOK AT HOW MUCH MONEY HIDEKI IRABU GOT FOR TAKING A BREAK FROM THE BUFFET LINE. BZZAP! I MAINTAIN CONSTANT PITCH LOCATION AND VELOCITY THROUGH MY SUPERIOR PROGRAMMING. OTHER ATHELETES NEED TO GIVE 110%; I AM CAPABLE OF PERFORMING WELL AT 50%, WHICH LEAVES 60% FOR ME TO TEACH CRISTIAN GUZMAN HOW TO PLAY, TOO.

I suppose you've got a point...
I'M TAKING IT STRAIGHT TO THE MEIKYUKAI, MUTHAFUCKA.